Well, let me say that I am a person who is fairly well traveled and have been to many different countries and hotels. I went with my longtime boyfriend-- we are 33 and 34 yrs old. I am a Virgo, so let that do the speaking, for those of you who follow astrology. For those of you who don't, Virgos are notoriously nitpicking and critical and have very high standards--perfectionists. I admit it. I like what I like and I always like things my way. Some would probably call me a pain in the [--], but I have also been in the service industry myself, waiting tables 10 yrs through school, so its not like I'm not aware of the hard work (and have done it myself) that goes on behind the scenes. My standards have probably been raised too high by staying at the Reynolds Plantation Ritz (for business), which to me, is one of the best hotels I have ever stayed in. I adored it, if only I could pick it up and transport it to a beach somewhere. I also have been mostly impressed with the Intercontinental in Atlanta where I have also stayed for business. Since this vacation was on my dime, I couldn't afford the Ritz plus all the eating out and drinking, so the all inclusive seemed the way to go. I was initially going to book with Karisma, but then pictures of the non-existent beaches/sandbags, caused me to look elsewhere. I would say that overall, I liked the resort, but there were many things about it that made me think that it had been overhyped on these boards, or perhaps people don't have the same expectations as I did? I don't know. It seemed to me that they take a lot of shortcuts and do what they need to do to get by and are extremely inconsistent. I hate that. That is a slacker mentality. WARNING, this is gonna be long and sorry if I annoy EPM devotees, but this is the review I wish I had read prior to booking.

ARRIVAL -- we arranged for Best Day travel service from the airport. It was chaos in their "area" when we arrived. The people working there spoke poor English and it was completely unorganized. From their employees standing around aimlessly to one harried woman who was supposed to be the "organizer". Drivers just stood waiting outside their vehicles, completely not taking any initiative to find their customers. Finally after 15 mins of standing around waiting for our name to be called, we found out our driver had been standing in front of us leaning on his car-- doing nothing. We were the only ones on the van to EPM. He told us it would take an hour. It took about 40 mins. Overall, the service with them was OK, I would just suggest being very aggressive in looking for your driver. Driving into the EPM gates, I was a little worried-- was this the right place?? It didn't look very lush or landscaped or manicured. I then saw the EPM sign and knew we were there. I was expecting a more tropical look, but the property is pretty bare looking and minimalist. The check in was nice. Champagne and scented towels. We booked spa/pool view and I asked for any room that had a partial ocean view.

THE ROOM-- They were very accommodating and upgraded us to Excellence Club-- room 8168. Probably the reason we were upgraded here is b/c of the construction which is to the right and highly visible, but I never really heard any noise, as we were about 4 rooms away from the end. There was a great view of the ocean, but since no waves to speak of, I missed being able to hear the waves crashing like I have come to associate with Cancun. Our AC worked great, the fridge works better if you pull it away from the wall a little. The linens on the bed are not that high quality-- they are 250 count at best. The pillows were very wimpy. My requests twice from the "pillow menu" which was not in our room--- what a joke that is--- were ignored the first time and then the maid only left a theraputic pillow and not also a feather like we had asked. I know you're thinking, big deal, but that was the common theme here. You ask for two things, they only get you one. It got old. The bed was big, soft enough, but again, the linens just were not soft and the pillows were cheap. The TV was nice, good size balcony, nice lighting, nice shower, big closet with plenty of hangers, X-box is a good idea (rarely emptied and forget about them leaving room service in there for you-- they never have a key), the only gripe I have with the room really is the toilet room. Its just the most insane thing ever to not have a door that makes that room separate. The toilet itself is like an airplane toilet and has pretty much no suction to it, so we had to flush it a zillion times. Also, I must be losing my eyesight, so I didnt really dig the sun shaped mirrors b/c they were so far away I couldnt really see that well to put on makeup. As for all the tropical fruit others got, I asked for more fruit other than the 3 apples we had and was told that is all they had now.

ROOM SERVICE-- we ordered room service the first night b/c my BF had too much to drink and passed out early. The room service menu is not the one that Flip Flop Man or someone else posted. I thought I saw steaks or something on there-- not on ours. The best thing they had was a few sandwiches. Also, no nachos. The best thing we got was the philly, which was kind of like steak-umm meat. Since I was not sure of what to order and wanted to try a few things, I ordered three sandwiches for us and a dessert and soup. The person who answered Room Service questioned me about how many people were in the room and could we really eat all that food and not waste it? I thought this was really rude and annoying. Seeing as we only ordered room service two times the entire trip, I think the 1/2 eaten sandwich we "wasted" was not a big deal. I got much less hassle and challenge from the people at the Omni when we stayed there years ago and missed their more accomodating attitude.

RESTAURANTS-- What is unfortunate is that many of their waiters have serious crappy attitudes and are not all about pleasing the customer. I will say we did have a very good waiter @ Barcelona (with braces) and also Angel @ Agave was the best waiter we had hands down. He was just so cheerful and service oriented. It was a shame they could all not be this way. I got the impression that many of them hate their jobs and hate tourists, which definitely contributed to my not enjoying the meals as much.The menus posted online are extremely misleading. They make you think there is more upscale food than there actually is. It appears they have removed some of the more expensive items from their menu. The portions are mostly small, so we ended up going to usually two restaurants every night.
1) The Barcelona dinner menu is the same, but a veal steak is added (not good, I prefer scallopine). Service here was excellent. We did like the breakfast buffet, but the food is pretty greasy and by the end of the week I was so tired of it. They will make you an egg white omelet if you ask, but they also slather it with that icky veg oil. The lunch buffet is also good b/c if you dont like something then you arent stuck with it, like at the Grill or the Lobster House for lunch. They had a pasta station -- very basic alfredo sauce and red sauce. Would have liked to have seen some olive oil and garlic in the mix there instead. The mushrooms seemed like they had been sauteed 10 hours ago.
2) Toscana menu does not have the Mushrooms and Provolone, nor the beef filet. I also do not recall seeing the wrapped shrimp or salmon dish. Our waiter was a total nightmare. First he about had a fit when we ordered an extra entree to share (the seafood ones are all tiny and my BF is 200 lbs and works out like a madman, so he eats alot) .. "I'll have to see about that..." and then never came back to tell us one way or the other, but then brought out the wrong entree, veal saltimbocca and then we said no, we ordered shrimp and scallops (which I heard BF say...) he challenged us and then whipped out his order pad and showed us where he had written the wrong thing, just had to be right. Sorry, that's a big mistake and completely unclassy thing to do-- the customer should always be right (and we were) but the problem was probably that he did not understand us -- therefore if you speak a different language than the person who's order you are taking, waiting tables 101 is to REPEAT the order back to be sure there is a meeting of the minds. My BF was so offended he didnt want to tip, but being a former waitress, I tip always, even when service sucks. We left him 1/2 of what we normally would have.
3) Flavor Market-- We really enjoyed the Flavor Market-- shrimp ajillos is very good. This was really one of my favorite places to eat and the service was also great here. This was the only place I saw a female waitress-- rest of places had men. There are female cocktail waitresses, but none actually serving food. We loved the salmon w/ mushroom and blue cheese, the proscuitto napolean, but the menu posted at http://www.docancun.com/excellence-playa-mujeres-menus.htm
is totally different. Nothing on that menu is on the current Flavor Market menu. I noticed they have pretty much nixed the tuna sashimi on all menus.
4) Spice-- decent, but not great. The meal we had at the teppanyaki grill (which is what they call it) was HORRIBLE!!! The cook did not even ask the temperature for our steak, so it came out WELL DONE like a pieces of cardboard. The bean sprouts were not cooked and tasted old, the shrimp was OK, but nothing great-- not that Benihana sear on them. Rice was good. Overall, disappointing. They only have choice of shrimp, chicken and steak. No lobster or any of that other stuff posted on the menu. Off the Spice menu, the spring rolls were good, but were frozen and the dim sum also tasted like they had been frozen and not fresh. I got a steak teriyaki there that was very good, but the white rice and plain teriyaki sauce with no vegs, nothing left alot to be desired. It tasted very much like an American chinese restaurant-- nothing authentic at all.
5) Chez Isabelle-- Ok, I will let it slide that they all mispronounced the name of this restaurant, but that's a pretty basic french word. Again, on this menu no mushroom dish, no scallops, no pork medallions, and NO chateaubriand --without at an extra charge, per my waiter. The onion soup did NOT have a cheese crust as stated on the menu, just broth. I had the ribeye, which yes, is a fatty cut of meat. It was good, but not very big.
6) Lobster House- we didnt try for dinner. I heard it wasn't great, so I didnt really have much of a taste for it.
7) Agave-- as I said, our waiter was adorable and attentive. He did the Mexican coffee presentation for another table, and was great at it. My BF got the lobster dish here and it was so good. I got the beef tenderloin thing and it was strange--- just a big flat piece of meat with refried beans and rice. I loved the decorating of this restaurant-- the candlebras were so gorgeous.

THE BEACH-- this isn't your place if you are big on waves and playing the ocean. We are, so we were disappointed. The seagrass is annoying and made it feel like there was dirt or something floating around in it. I'm really finicky about the ocean and like it to be like the hotel zone in Cancun. As everyone has said, its not. We barely went in the ocean.

THE POOLS- we only hung out @ the main pool and really loved Russell the bartender. He remembered us by name and was very good at his job. It got a little loud @ the end of day when people were drunk. The music they played @ the pool was mostly nice and calming, but they did have a techno tape that made me want to kill myself. I stuck w/ the gold margaritas with the Herradurra tequila and grnad marnier. I just can't drink sweet drinks all day. As for "top shelf" liquor, sorry but Absolut and Jack Daniels arent top shelf liquors. The Excellence Club is the only place they have true top shelf liquors, but there is no bartender there, so you have to know how to make your own drink and there are not really any mixers there either, so its pretty much a waste.

EXCELLENCE CLUB-- probably not worth it. Glad we didnt pay for it, or I would have been feeling seriously cheated. The cappucino machine was pretty awesome and try adding in Bailey's, Franglelico and Kahlua-- YUMS! The snacks--- eh. Nothing great. As for a roof top terrace-- I hardly saw anyone out on there. It didnt look like it was worth the extra money to me-- you had no bartender, so basically you could sit up there away from everyone else, with no real amenities. The capacity was 68%, so nothing was crowded. We never really waited for a seat anywhere and getting drinks was easy.

HOUSEKEEPING-- always done late in the day--3pm or later. We had one really great housekeeper, an older woman, the rest were just OK. It was too bad they didnt keep one for you all week so that you could reward their efforts properly. The woman who did such a great job we never saw again. The mini bar guy pretty much ignored my request for diet coke and water only. We never got turn down service b/c they came too late for us. Oh yes, speaking of diet coke---be sure to order your diet coke "in the can" b/c the one from the soda gun is so foul. It made me sick. I don't even know what they mixed it with??? Certainly not CO2.

ISLA MUJERES- We took a red cab $10 each way (I could not get him to take $8 like others have) to the ferry. If you are prone to seasickness, dont sit @ the front of the boat. Its choppy and they go at breakneck speed. We rented a golf cart for $15 an hour for 2 hrs. We had fun riding around, but not much to do other than shopping. We saw some really skinny cats and one baby cat that looked so ill...this shopkeeper was taking care of it b/c the mom got killed in the street. There is a graveyard over there as well, which is really beautiful. I'm glad we did not rent a cart for a whole day. The streets are busy, so you have to keep moving.

SPA-- we did the excellence massage. My BF liked his, I wish the girl I had would have used more pressure. I asked, but she did not increase it much. The hydrotherapy was OK, but the sauna is just too hot when you are already hot outside.

OVERALL-- we had a decent time. I was hoping for more luxury and better food. The food was pretty greasy and I had heartburn most of the trip and was really sick of it by the time we left. I feel they are not anywhere near 5 stars and need to seriously improve their service and not cut so many corners. Its spotty and inconsistent and not done wholeheartedly. Would I return? Nope. I think we'll try LeBlanc or Sun Palace instead.